Not coping. Not coping. Not coping!
Why was the only time I could see a doctor on Thursday! Thursday!
That means I have to go three days feeling like utter shit, wanting to block out the whole world and dying for help.
Today has been truly, truly awful. I had another horrible dream. I don't think they qualify as nightmares at the moment. They are more bizarre and unsettling. I woke up kicking out at things , which is very unlike me. I don't tend to act out my dreams in reality.
I have a psychology exam on Friday. The college called the house today. I presume it is about my recent absences. I'm praying to god they did not call my father because if they did I am in big trouble. The last couple of hours have crawled by. I've sat here chain smoking and contemplating how many Cuprofen it would take to bump me off. I've saved it for a rainy day, though. Mostly because I'm a coward and a failure and I don't deserve the relief of death.
Am currently working my way through a bowl of spaghetti hoops but feeling slightly sick. I wasn't even hungry I just though 'hey charlotte, you haven't eaten, have something see if that makes you feel better.' It didn't.
Urgh. Not looking forward to my mother coming home. I've got some excuse about feeling ill and that being the reason why. Maybe I should tell her the truth. That I think I am clinically depressed and I'm entertaining suicidal thoughts. She'd probably freak out. Best to see what the doctor says me thinks. Thursday couldn't come quick enough.
I need someone to talk to me, to listen to me. But everyone has their own suggestions and ideas and opinions and feelings on the matter. I want someone objective to just listen to me. Again all routes point to a doctor and some kind of therapy. Doesn't help that I'm shit at telling people how I feel to their faces. I wonder if they have online therapists? Maybe life just doesn't work like that and I should get over it. Maybe.
Urgh. This is the only place I can spill my guts and even then I hold back because I don't want people to ask me about things. I'm a bag of contradictions, always have been and always will and what I really, really want right now is to go to sleep but I know that I won't be able to.
Why am I such a failure?
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1 comment:
*big big hug* I'm so sorry you feel like this. Strange as it sounds, maybe it's good you have an exam on Friday, because then that gives you something to focus on (like the big things such as revision, and then little things such as do I have a clear pencil case). I hope everything goes well at the doctor's. And hey, they're paid to listen / dish out advice, so just talk at them for as long as you like. If they look bored, tough shit. They chose to do their job.
I think talking to your mum or dad or Austine would be good. There might be a family history of depression, for example, or they might just recall a time when they felt similar.
And we all miss you at college. Well, I do anyway :P (No, I'm j/k. We do miss you.) Rohan's back now as well, just in case you didn't get this morning's text about the guy next to him buying weed over the phone :)
Just reading back through the original post, you could do what Briony's doing with her LJ. She's analysing her dreams, and finding out dictionary interpretations and then looking at how that links to her personally. I think that's a good thing to do, and maybe you could talk to the doctor about that on Thursday. Although they must have online therapists somewhere. You can get everything on the net these days :)
Anyway hope all goes well for you this week. I'll try and talk to you before Thursday. x x x
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