You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed...

I suppose that holding on is the only thing I have left. I have this totally irrational feeling that you will get in touch with me. That suddenly things will change. I'm hoping so because I'll be 18 and maybe you won't be so scared.
Urgh! I'm supposed to hate you, I'm supposed to not want to be around you, at least that's what I've been trying to tell myself and everyone else around me. I'm not supposed to feel this way. And then there are the what ifs. What if that email made it sound like I never wanted you to talk to me again? What if I never do hear from you? It scares me to fucking death.
I always seem to get like this when I have dreams about you. And I always seem to have dreams about you when I'm lonely and nothing else will do. When I feel like I can't stand everyone else around me, you are the one that stands out.
The most surreal thing is that the other day I sat in your chair and had a heart to heart with my best friend. Not you. I couldn't help but thinking that it should have been your conversation. I kept saying that I didn't understand what changed in you and I didn't understand what you saw in the person you are with now. Just because I can't doesn't mean I won't though.
Do you have any idea the amount of times I'd hoped you'd read this? It would be so much easier if you saw that I wanted you in my life so much and the distance you put between us hurts.
I know, I know, I haven't taken to account the fact that you may have not replied because you didn't want to. That you were uncomfortable with the way I felt and all that. I wish so hard it wasn't the case but I am afraid deep down that it's true, that you were scared and repulsed by my feelings and couldn't deal with it anymore. I just don't understand the change as soon as I left. You stopped talking to friends and you stopped the friendship that was there. In a way, and maybe I'm being paranoid, you cut all ties to me. And that's fine because that's your choice and I respect that. I just can't wrap my head around it after everything.
And her. You know who. I can't understand why that came together with her. If you truly and honestly have feelings for her then who am I to argue but I just can't see any love between the two of you over the past three years. It seems like you both slagged each other off and wanted nothing to do with each other. Maybe you insulting her was trying to cover up the way you felt about her, and again I respect that. I can't deal with it though. The way she acted towards me in the last weeks you were around hurt me so much, it made me consider not coming to see my best friend because I couldn't stand it.
Maybe, just maybe, I was being paranoid but I know I wasn't. I don't know how you could stand there while she did what she did to me? How she made me feel like utter crap about myself and about being around Rin. I would never have shown her that she had won, because I'm stronger than that now but they could see how much it hurt me. I don't know why exactly she had a vendetta against me. Maybe she was jealous. Seems plausible to me but then again I don't want to flatter myself. Maybe I was just guilty by association, and I get that too but then again that is grossly unfair. And maybe she just needed someone to moan about because having you wasn't enough.
Fuck, now I sound jealous. But I am, a little bit. I feel like I was everything at the wrong time, everything was too late with me and I never ever came close. I've kinda built this person, a model of you in my head, who was much nicer than you were, I think. I see all the nice things we did and all the good times we had and I wish I could relive everyone of them over and over again. So, yeah. Parts of me are hanging on but I'm pretty sure that shred of hope will disintergrate after my 18th birthday. Because that was the last milestone. Looking back on what you said in Krakow, how when I'm 18 I'm my own person, and things change then. Somehow I hold on to that as a safety net. That's not to say I'm fervently holding on. It's only when I get like this I allow myself that luxury, but around other people I'm composed and even come across as if I don't care anymore. But deep inside I do and I meant everything I said in the letter and the email.
I know a lot of people would think that the email was like a spur of the moment act but it wasn't. I'd thought about sending it for so long. Wrote loads of drafts and redrafts and started over and over again. I didn't want to come across as stupid even though it was stupid to fall for you.
When you sent him an email it ripped me into pieces but then again I suppose his email to you was a little easier to reply to, I get it. I just wish you had left me with something more. So I didn't feel like I'd wasted my time.

Anhow, to everyone else. 22 days til my 18th woop, woop. Passed my exams adequately. Only retaking one History module that I got a U in, eep! But I got an A in the other two so it's fixable. I got a B in drama, which I was suprised and happy about, and a B in Psychology which I was also very pleased with. And an A in English, although I got a C in one of the modules and that made me sad.

I've run out of steam now so I'll leave this here.
Loves
xxx