Today I have been presented with a choice.
I am overweight. There is no denying this fact. People can always try and console me and say 'oh, no you're not fat. not at all' but I KNOW that I am. I'm not blind and I am not stupid. In the past I have tried to change the wrong way. I have tried to take the quick way and that just doesn't work. Starving myself never worked for the long term. It was dysfunctional and it was the wrong way.
Today I went to my GP about feeling depressed. The first thing she bought up was my weight and whether that could be a factor. Well of course it could! I have some serious self esteem issues, which is never going to help improve my outlook on the world let alone myself. Despite feeling low and sad, I desperately want to live. I know I am not living now, I am just existing. No-one likes a fat girl.
So maybe I have had an ephipany. I think that now is the time to change - before I go off to university and leave this self contained world I have created. Before I have to go out into the world on my own I am going to become someone who can function in it. The reason I feel so good about this now is because I'm not doing it so I will be slim and men will fancy me and I will feel loved. I am doing it because I want to feel happy with myself and my life, not through validation from other people but through validation from myself.
So I guess this is me being optimistic.
I guess so.
Thursday 14 May 2009
Wednesday 13 May 2009
This is so messed up
These will be the poems that become famous when I die in obscurity.
Both are untitled at the present time.
1)
Life slows down
but time speeds up and I'm
left
standing
here. I have ground to a halt,
frozen in a time where each tick
tock creates a thin red line on
bare flesh. Stop.
Questions hang limp and flaccid;
What's the point? When it's only
an illusion.
To fight, to live, to breathe, to be -
is just another brush stroke
on a canvas painted with blood.
It merges into one with each tick,
tock goes the blood-flecked clock.
2)
Open the floodgates and pour me out.
Watch as disappointment falls
like rain and I am washed
of all these thoughts
and failings.
A bright red scream left
in my wake, with silence
burrowing in your ears.
It's me, just behind those
newspaper grey eyes,
the print draining down
to leak from my mouth. Teeth
stained with ink and regret.
It's over,
at least
it's over.
Both are untitled at the present time.
1)
Life slows down
but time speeds up and I'm
left
standing
here. I have ground to a halt,
frozen in a time where each tick
tock creates a thin red line on
bare flesh. Stop.
Questions hang limp and flaccid;
What's the point? When it's only
an illusion.
To fight, to live, to breathe, to be -
is just another brush stroke
on a canvas painted with blood.
It merges into one with each tick,
tock goes the blood-flecked clock.
2)
Open the floodgates and pour me out.
Watch as disappointment falls
like rain and I am washed
of all these thoughts
and failings.
A bright red scream left
in my wake, with silence
burrowing in your ears.
It's me, just behind those
newspaper grey eyes,
the print draining down
to leak from my mouth. Teeth
stained with ink and regret.
It's over,
at least
it's over.
Monday 11 May 2009
I'm writing this half to purge the dream from my head and half because someone suggested it to me and it couldn't hurt to do it.
So last night's dream was a strange one. I only remember bits and bobs but here goes.
Before the main dream I had a series of mini dreams, if you like. They basically involved me waking up to members of my family coming into the house. At first it was my grandad and then it was my aunt and my two cousins. Nothing really happened that I can remember other than in the dream I woke up and heard them coming into the house.
The main dream is much stranger. I'm at this swimming pool, but I'm not swimming. I decide that I want to leave so I'm looking for an exit but all I see is people getting into what seem to be pull down drawers. All I can relate it to is what we put the cashbags in at work. You pull the handle down, slide the bag in and shut it, then pull it down to check that the bag has gone. In the dream there is priest standing next to these drawer things and people are getting in and the priest is shutting the drawer and then opening it and the people are gone. I walk up to one of them and ask the priest if that is the only way out and he says yes. I watch as about four people cram into this thing and he shuts it but as he pulls it back open I can see that they are stuck, and he pushes it again and they go. I say to him that I don't want to get in one of them, that I am scared of getting stuck in it and suffocating. He says that it's the only way out so I run off looking for another exit.
I find an emergency exit and push through it and all these alarms go off. I carry on running but for some reason I am suddenly Sasha from Hollyoaks. In the soap she is involved with this guy called Warren and he is in the dream. We are on the run, but we are kind of like terrorists, and Warren takes this kid and binds him in the sleeping bag type contraption and hangs him above some railways lines. We then decide to run off but I'm back as me again.
We run into this town and it's kind of like an old cobbled high street. As we move up this hill there are these people in contamination suits and they are spraying everyone with this pink liquid. I walk up to one of them and she says to me that there is a herpes epidemic and that what they are spraying is going to cure us. At that point I put my hand up to my mouth and I feel what is like a coldsore on the corner of my mouth.
As these people are spraying us people are trying to leave the town, saying something like people are starting to kill each other or something. I'm running down all of these backstreets and eventually I come to this park that used to be where I lived. The park is in two sections. One is the sections for young kids and the other is the section for older kids. Me, my mum, my dad and my sister are in the section for young kids which has a hut and some baby swings. And my aunt, my uncle, my grandad and my two cousins are in the section for older kids which has a climbing frame and some swings.
It's implied that we have this virus which makes us kill each other and we're supposed to keep to our own sections. When we go to sleep we're afraid that someone might come over from the other side and kill us so we both elect someone to stand guard. My dad is the guard from our side and my grandad is the guard from the other. For some reason, the next day, we have to fight each other but the people on the other side are no longer my family.
The guy I have to fight is kind of like a minotaur. The fight consists of me sitting in the adult swing and swinging while trying to kick out at him and kill him, while he has to try and grab and kill me. So I'm swinging on this swing and kicking out but I can't hit him and he keeps trying to grab me but I swing out of the way. While this is happening I am terrified that I am going to die but kind of resigned to it because either way I'm going to die. After a while of trying to kill each other the minotaur gives up and asks this guy in an Iron Maiden t-shirt to do it for him. I go back to swinging and get a couple of kicks in but he can't get to me. He says something about my swinging technique and how it is superior, so this minotaur guy gets really angry and tells me to kill the guy in the Maiden shirt. So I start kicking him.
Then I wake up to find myself kicking out at this guy trying to kill him.
I'm gonna go and look for some interpretations now and if I find anything significant I will edit this post and put it down.
So last night's dream was a strange one. I only remember bits and bobs but here goes.
Before the main dream I had a series of mini dreams, if you like. They basically involved me waking up to members of my family coming into the house. At first it was my grandad and then it was my aunt and my two cousins. Nothing really happened that I can remember other than in the dream I woke up and heard them coming into the house.
The main dream is much stranger. I'm at this swimming pool, but I'm not swimming. I decide that I want to leave so I'm looking for an exit but all I see is people getting into what seem to be pull down drawers. All I can relate it to is what we put the cashbags in at work. You pull the handle down, slide the bag in and shut it, then pull it down to check that the bag has gone. In the dream there is priest standing next to these drawer things and people are getting in and the priest is shutting the drawer and then opening it and the people are gone. I walk up to one of them and ask the priest if that is the only way out and he says yes. I watch as about four people cram into this thing and he shuts it but as he pulls it back open I can see that they are stuck, and he pushes it again and they go. I say to him that I don't want to get in one of them, that I am scared of getting stuck in it and suffocating. He says that it's the only way out so I run off looking for another exit.
I find an emergency exit and push through it and all these alarms go off. I carry on running but for some reason I am suddenly Sasha from Hollyoaks. In the soap she is involved with this guy called Warren and he is in the dream. We are on the run, but we are kind of like terrorists, and Warren takes this kid and binds him in the sleeping bag type contraption and hangs him above some railways lines. We then decide to run off but I'm back as me again.
We run into this town and it's kind of like an old cobbled high street. As we move up this hill there are these people in contamination suits and they are spraying everyone with this pink liquid. I walk up to one of them and she says to me that there is a herpes epidemic and that what they are spraying is going to cure us. At that point I put my hand up to my mouth and I feel what is like a coldsore on the corner of my mouth.
As these people are spraying us people are trying to leave the town, saying something like people are starting to kill each other or something. I'm running down all of these backstreets and eventually I come to this park that used to be where I lived. The park is in two sections. One is the sections for young kids and the other is the section for older kids. Me, my mum, my dad and my sister are in the section for young kids which has a hut and some baby swings. And my aunt, my uncle, my grandad and my two cousins are in the section for older kids which has a climbing frame and some swings.
It's implied that we have this virus which makes us kill each other and we're supposed to keep to our own sections. When we go to sleep we're afraid that someone might come over from the other side and kill us so we both elect someone to stand guard. My dad is the guard from our side and my grandad is the guard from the other. For some reason, the next day, we have to fight each other but the people on the other side are no longer my family.
The guy I have to fight is kind of like a minotaur. The fight consists of me sitting in the adult swing and swinging while trying to kick out at him and kill him, while he has to try and grab and kill me. So I'm swinging on this swing and kicking out but I can't hit him and he keeps trying to grab me but I swing out of the way. While this is happening I am terrified that I am going to die but kind of resigned to it because either way I'm going to die. After a while of trying to kill each other the minotaur gives up and asks this guy in an Iron Maiden t-shirt to do it for him. I go back to swinging and get a couple of kicks in but he can't get to me. He says something about my swinging technique and how it is superior, so this minotaur guy gets really angry and tells me to kill the guy in the Maiden shirt. So I start kicking him.
Then I wake up to find myself kicking out at this guy trying to kill him.
I'm gonna go and look for some interpretations now and if I find anything significant I will edit this post and put it down.
Rip off my mask and leave the lies to the liars
Not coping. Not coping. Not coping!
Why was the only time I could see a doctor on Thursday! Thursday!
That means I have to go three days feeling like utter shit, wanting to block out the whole world and dying for help.
Today has been truly, truly awful. I had another horrible dream. I don't think they qualify as nightmares at the moment. They are more bizarre and unsettling. I woke up kicking out at things , which is very unlike me. I don't tend to act out my dreams in reality.
I have a psychology exam on Friday. The college called the house today. I presume it is about my recent absences. I'm praying to god they did not call my father because if they did I am in big trouble. The last couple of hours have crawled by. I've sat here chain smoking and contemplating how many Cuprofen it would take to bump me off. I've saved it for a rainy day, though. Mostly because I'm a coward and a failure and I don't deserve the relief of death.
Am currently working my way through a bowl of spaghetti hoops but feeling slightly sick. I wasn't even hungry I just though 'hey charlotte, you haven't eaten, have something see if that makes you feel better.' It didn't.
Urgh. Not looking forward to my mother coming home. I've got some excuse about feeling ill and that being the reason why. Maybe I should tell her the truth. That I think I am clinically depressed and I'm entertaining suicidal thoughts. She'd probably freak out. Best to see what the doctor says me thinks. Thursday couldn't come quick enough.
I need someone to talk to me, to listen to me. But everyone has their own suggestions and ideas and opinions and feelings on the matter. I want someone objective to just listen to me. Again all routes point to a doctor and some kind of therapy. Doesn't help that I'm shit at telling people how I feel to their faces. I wonder if they have online therapists? Maybe life just doesn't work like that and I should get over it. Maybe.
Urgh. This is the only place I can spill my guts and even then I hold back because I don't want people to ask me about things. I'm a bag of contradictions, always have been and always will and what I really, really want right now is to go to sleep but I know that I won't be able to.
Why am I such a failure?
Why was the only time I could see a doctor on Thursday! Thursday!
That means I have to go three days feeling like utter shit, wanting to block out the whole world and dying for help.
Today has been truly, truly awful. I had another horrible dream. I don't think they qualify as nightmares at the moment. They are more bizarre and unsettling. I woke up kicking out at things , which is very unlike me. I don't tend to act out my dreams in reality.
I have a psychology exam on Friday. The college called the house today. I presume it is about my recent absences. I'm praying to god they did not call my father because if they did I am in big trouble. The last couple of hours have crawled by. I've sat here chain smoking and contemplating how many Cuprofen it would take to bump me off. I've saved it for a rainy day, though. Mostly because I'm a coward and a failure and I don't deserve the relief of death.
Am currently working my way through a bowl of spaghetti hoops but feeling slightly sick. I wasn't even hungry I just though 'hey charlotte, you haven't eaten, have something see if that makes you feel better.' It didn't.
Urgh. Not looking forward to my mother coming home. I've got some excuse about feeling ill and that being the reason why. Maybe I should tell her the truth. That I think I am clinically depressed and I'm entertaining suicidal thoughts. She'd probably freak out. Best to see what the doctor says me thinks. Thursday couldn't come quick enough.
I need someone to talk to me, to listen to me. But everyone has their own suggestions and ideas and opinions and feelings on the matter. I want someone objective to just listen to me. Again all routes point to a doctor and some kind of therapy. Doesn't help that I'm shit at telling people how I feel to their faces. I wonder if they have online therapists? Maybe life just doesn't work like that and I should get over it. Maybe.
Urgh. This is the only place I can spill my guts and even then I hold back because I don't want people to ask me about things. I'm a bag of contradictions, always have been and always will and what I really, really want right now is to go to sleep but I know that I won't be able to.
Why am I such a failure?
Thursday 7 May 2009
You're up there, took the stairs to the stars all alone.
I know my mind is grinding to a halt when all I do is stare at a blank computer screen for an hour and not realise it. My mother has been talking at me and I miss everything she says. I have to keep saying "What?" and looking blankly at her. I'm trying to stir myself into some kind of action but I just cannot be bothered.
I like letting steam off in this blog. I think it helps that I only know there's one person who reads it all the time and the rest is obscurity. I like to think there are people out there who can relate to me. I like to think that I'm not alone in feeling like this.
I haven't written anything moderately creative in about two months - ever since I started feeling like this, actually. It's like something is blocking every motivation. My novel is sitting there gathering dust. It's disheartening, it's like I'm failing in the one thing that I should be good at.
Urgh! I'm sick of this. This stagnant feeling. I want to move forward, go. But it feels like I'm wading through something sticky, or something is holding me back. I can't sleep, I constantly have a headache. I nearly broke down on the bus on the way back from college, I just had to zone out and stare blankly out of the window. If I had tended to those emotions I would have cried right there.
I'm going to see my GP next week to talk about all of these feelings. I need to feel alive again. I need to feel different to this. It's been two months since I started feeling like this, it really can't go on. I need help.
Shit.
I need help.
I like letting steam off in this blog. I think it helps that I only know there's one person who reads it all the time and the rest is obscurity. I like to think there are people out there who can relate to me. I like to think that I'm not alone in feeling like this.
I haven't written anything moderately creative in about two months - ever since I started feeling like this, actually. It's like something is blocking every motivation. My novel is sitting there gathering dust. It's disheartening, it's like I'm failing in the one thing that I should be good at.
Urgh! I'm sick of this. This stagnant feeling. I want to move forward, go. But it feels like I'm wading through something sticky, or something is holding me back. I can't sleep, I constantly have a headache. I nearly broke down on the bus on the way back from college, I just had to zone out and stare blankly out of the window. If I had tended to those emotions I would have cried right there.
I'm going to see my GP next week to talk about all of these feelings. I need to feel alive again. I need to feel different to this. It's been two months since I started feeling like this, it really can't go on. I need help.
Shit.
I need help.
Wednesday 6 May 2009
Two songs I identify with at the moment, both are by a band called Blue October.
1. Black Orchid
Have you ever been so lonely,
No one there to hold?
Pull me in or disown me, And then climb inside.
My arms are open wide.Have a look inside.
It is not that I am scared to learn,
Why I'm empty inside.
Hold my hand or show some concern,
If I live or die.
My eyes are open wide.
Help me look inside.
I hear the water drip from the faucet.
It's sweetly falling in tune.
I'm gently closing the closet.
I fall to the floor,and crawl to my room.
The thought of ending it soon...
Just let me sleep in my room.
Hear me cry! cry! cry!
I hear a knock at the front door.
Don't come in!
I try to look at you
But I can't stop shaking. Leave me alone.
Just go away.
Mother I'm so scared.
Empty bed and all of the sheets are gone,
They're wrapped around me and you.
All is quiet but the drop of a gun.
I want to belong...to someone...
But maybe life's not for everyone.
This sounds much better in the song, so I recommend you listen.
2. Weight of the world
(I can't be bothered to put all the pauses in so here's a link instead)
http://tiny.cc/zWkuF
1. Black Orchid
Have you ever been so lonely,
No one there to hold?
Pull me in or disown me, And then climb inside.
My arms are open wide.Have a look inside.
It is not that I am scared to learn,
Why I'm empty inside.
Hold my hand or show some concern,
If I live or die.
My eyes are open wide.
Help me look inside.
I hear the water drip from the faucet.
It's sweetly falling in tune.
I'm gently closing the closet.
I fall to the floor,and crawl to my room.
The thought of ending it soon...
Just let me sleep in my room.
Hear me cry! cry! cry!
I hear a knock at the front door.
Don't come in!
I try to look at you
But I can't stop shaking. Leave me alone.
Just go away.
Mother I'm so scared.
Empty bed and all of the sheets are gone,
They're wrapped around me and you.
All is quiet but the drop of a gun.
I want to belong...to someone...
But maybe life's not for everyone.
This sounds much better in the song, so I recommend you listen.
2. Weight of the world
(I can't be bothered to put all the pauses in so here's a link instead)
http://tiny.cc/zWkuF
Tuesday 5 May 2009
Keep on walking, baby.
I don't know if anyone else watched Compulsion on ITV1 last night, but I did and it gave me so weird nightmares.
It was so strange. We were staying at someone's house, I don't know where, but as dreams go that's fairly normal. We were all sleeping on different sofa type beds in this room and I was having a nightmare. Strangely, I knew I was. I couldn't open my eyes but I could hear what was going on around me. This man, I don't know who he was, but he reached over from his bed and put his hand on my arm, presumably trying to wake me up. It worked and I woke and rolled over. For some reason I reached out to him. I don't know why, maybe for comfort from the nightmare. I only really expected him to touch my hand and then we'd both go to sleep but he pulled me onto his sofa. At that point someone came in, they were kind of patrolling. This man held me so I couldn't move or say anything. I don't know what he did to me, I can't remember. But the dream goes on. In the morning I go to work and check the emails and there is one there from the man about what had happened, at this point I'm scared out of my wits. Work then magically transforms into The Royal and as I walk out this door the man is next to me and he asks me if I got the e-mail. I'm terrified and I try to get away from him.
The rest of the dream is spent not being believed by my family over what happened. I try to show them the email but the man has changed it somehow to read something else. So no one believes me, and they are all on his side. This causes me to run away but I can't run very fast. At one point I am in Selfridges at work and there is a bull running round. The guy I work with is trying to hold it back and I climb up onto one of the tables to try and get away from it. Another bit was that we were walking along this path and there were bulls running down and you had to dodge them, and then we took a shortcut somewhere, but I wasn't sure where we were going.
It was weird, and it's left me feeling icky and sad today.
Oh well, that is all.
It was so strange. We were staying at someone's house, I don't know where, but as dreams go that's fairly normal. We were all sleeping on different sofa type beds in this room and I was having a nightmare. Strangely, I knew I was. I couldn't open my eyes but I could hear what was going on around me. This man, I don't know who he was, but he reached over from his bed and put his hand on my arm, presumably trying to wake me up. It worked and I woke and rolled over. For some reason I reached out to him. I don't know why, maybe for comfort from the nightmare. I only really expected him to touch my hand and then we'd both go to sleep but he pulled me onto his sofa. At that point someone came in, they were kind of patrolling. This man held me so I couldn't move or say anything. I don't know what he did to me, I can't remember. But the dream goes on. In the morning I go to work and check the emails and there is one there from the man about what had happened, at this point I'm scared out of my wits. Work then magically transforms into The Royal and as I walk out this door the man is next to me and he asks me if I got the e-mail. I'm terrified and I try to get away from him.
The rest of the dream is spent not being believed by my family over what happened. I try to show them the email but the man has changed it somehow to read something else. So no one believes me, and they are all on his side. This causes me to run away but I can't run very fast. At one point I am in Selfridges at work and there is a bull running round. The guy I work with is trying to hold it back and I climb up onto one of the tables to try and get away from it. Another bit was that we were walking along this path and there were bulls running down and you had to dodge them, and then we took a shortcut somewhere, but I wasn't sure where we were going.
It was weird, and it's left me feeling icky and sad today.
Oh well, that is all.
Monday 4 May 2009
Stab my back, it's better when I bleed for you.
Well, I haven't posted in a while - I don't think. My head is all over the place at the moment, I barely know who I am. All I do is sleep, go to college, work, sleep, go to college, work. It feels like a never ending cycle. I dread my alarm going off in the morning. I really do wish I had Bernard's Watch and I could stop time. Alas, I cannot.
Surprisingly, I had a good day today. I woke up this morning ready to call in sick. My head was fuzzy, I couldn't think straight. I just wanted to lie back down and fall back into a state of comatose. I wanted to rest my mind for a bit. But I forced myself to get up and just go. I had fun, though. I sold a lot at work, I got on with my colleagues and I didn't feel ill. So, yes, I suppose that was good.
Bah, I'm so tired. I wish I slept. It's just so difficult. It'll take me three hours to doze off and then I have to get up 4 hours later. I also have to start revising. I loathe exams, I loathe it all. So, I guess I'll just wing it and hope I get the grades for uni.
I'm talking shit, so I will end this here.
Surprisingly, I had a good day today. I woke up this morning ready to call in sick. My head was fuzzy, I couldn't think straight. I just wanted to lie back down and fall back into a state of comatose. I wanted to rest my mind for a bit. But I forced myself to get up and just go. I had fun, though. I sold a lot at work, I got on with my colleagues and I didn't feel ill. So, yes, I suppose that was good.
Bah, I'm so tired. I wish I slept. It's just so difficult. It'll take me three hours to doze off and then I have to get up 4 hours later. I also have to start revising. I loathe exams, I loathe it all. So, I guess I'll just wing it and hope I get the grades for uni.
I'm talking shit, so I will end this here.
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