I feel sick and unloved at the moment. Would it be too much to ask for a little comfort off my dear father? If I am sat there in the car, blubbing like a baby over something really insignificant then it's pretty obvious that I just need a shoulder to cry on and someone to talk to. My father is not that man. He is the epitome of emotionally stunted.



I really didn't want to break today but it's getting so close and all the emotions were just bubbling up inside of me. Another factor is that I am tired and a bit fed up, which doesn't really help at all. I'm looking forward to my day off tomorrow even though I'll be caining my history coursework. Argh!



I just wish that all the shit would go away. I know I have the worlds best support system and they know that I am drawing as much strength from them as possible at the moment. I don't feel it's very fair and I feel bad for being such a drain. I am trying to rein it in and to measure my feelings a bit more.



I seem to say this a lot lately but I hate being shown as vulnerable. I don't want to be a vulnerable person. I want to be the rock I was told I was, not some crappy piece of paper that just gets soggy and falls apart. That's the best metaphor I could think of.



Anyhow,


Ciao

xoxo

Love really is blind.

I really shouldn't watch romantic films. They make me want to be held and loved. They put into sharp focus that I'm not. Urgh. But they also make me feel good. They make me hopeful that one day I'll have my sunset ending. What a paradox.

I don't want to be all secretive and stuff on here, so I may as well just use his name. If he reads it, he reads it, I guess. I dreamt of Rohan last night. It wasn't really a romantic, loved up dream. I think it was me dwelling on what he said after badminton, when he said he would come and see Watchmen with me but she would be coming too. It kind of had bearings on that. I don't know, it's a bit hazy now.

Ah, what to do. I'm half on the verge of getting wasted and just saying it to him. I'm so confused about how I feel but always there is the fact that I like him a lot and have always liked him a lot. I don't want to scare him off though. Argh. Complicated. I just want things to fall into place and just work for once. I hate not knowing things. I hate uncertainty. I want things to be black and white and for people to just say what they feel and not care about the consequences. I wish things were different. Hell, I constantly wish things were different and if they were different I'd probably wish they were different, too.

Damn you, Bridget Jones! When I think of Rohan I see just how different he is from the Colin Firth/Tom Hanks guy I picture in my life. But then again I am just a lowly girl, probably not worthy of the handsome English gentleman. (Yes, I know Tom Hanks is American!) Oh well, maybe things will look okay on the other side of tomorrow.

Ciao
xoxo

I don't know what I want

I don't know anymore. Can I go there again? Are we meant to be together, or am I just fooling myself into thinking that we should be? I'm so confused. Did I ever stop loving you? When you got together with her I was jealous, but maybe that was because I wanted to be the only real girl in your life. I don't know. I've always clicked with you, I've always felt comfortable around you. When I am around you I like to hug you and to touch you. It just happens, and if I reach for your hand I'm not always consciously aware that I am doing it.

I wish things were simple.

I wish it were black and white. Yes, I want you. Or no I don't. Simple. Effortless. Instead I have to separate like from love. Friendship from relationship. Head from heart.
I don't know if I'm the only one but I can never seem to tell which want is coming from where. When we spoke about us last year I didn't know if it was real or not. I didn't know what was going on. If you were just fooling me back.
Hm, I would like us to try. But then again, it's all good and well me wanting something but what about you and what you want? I wish I could read people's minds sometimes. Just reach in and know exactly what they are thinking and who they are thinking about. It would decode a lot of stuff. It would make my life so much easier.

In the words of Coldplay, and I don't quote Coldplay often:

If you love me, won't you let me know?

I'll confess that I can be a little selfish

Something I wrote instead of doing my history coursework. Go figure.

He kissed me. If you want to call it a kiss. It was more of a brushing of flesh, ephemeral, quick. It was over so fast. But I will call it a kiss.

I became hungry for him. I wanted to touch him, to hold him, to love him as best I could. I didn’t feel like a human being - more like an animal. If there was a way to meld our bodies together and for me to become one with him I would have done it. But it was over so quickly.

He planted his hands against my shoulders. Softly, but firmly. He uttered one single, breathy, wretched word. No. And at that monosyllabic bullet my world began to crumble. The foundations of me shook in a tremor of pain and suddenly I was holding me up. My soul was holding me up.
I tried to embrace him again, but his hands against my shoulders kept me at arms length. I said please. Please. Like a small child asking for cake. Almost coquettishly. I don’t know why, it just slid out of my mouth, the words like slugs leaving a tangible, messy trail between us. He shook his head to reaffirm what I already knew. He dismissed me like a homeless person begging for money. He took two step away and severed eye contact.

My heart wanted to leap out of my chest. It was pounding against my ribs, a dog against a fence, determined to break through. It seemed reasonable. If I couldn’t have him I would die in front of him. My heart would beat itself out of my chest and lie between us, like an elephant in the room. In my head he wouldn’t catch me as I fell to the floor; he’d just watch me twitch and convulse, my arms stretched out towards him, pleading.

How tragic.

Ciao.
xoxo

Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you?

I am a melting pot of emotions. At the present moment I feel fear, elation, anxiety and confusion. There are two events in my life causing this. I have to be a bit ambiguous about one. I have to tread carefully.

The first event is that I may possibly have an interview at Selfridges. This is a good thing. It means that potentially I might get a job, and this means that I will have money of my own to spend on things. Very good. I'm a bit anxious about interviews and things like that but isn't everyone? I don't know. Anyway that is event number one.

Event number two is the source of my confusion and elation. Hmm. My emotions went separate ways when I got the news. On the one hand I was happy, which is just so wrong. On the other hand I was sad, and then on the other million hands I was confused. I guess I don't know what I want or if I want it. Maybe it's just the idealistic side of it, not the real side of it.

I do not know.

Ciao.
xoxo

Who watches the Watchmen?

Not me.

Urgh. I'm sitting here crying like a stupid, spoilt idiot all because I'm going to have to go and see a film all on my own.

I won fucking tickets to see an advanced screening and I can't fucking go - that's what's getting to me the most! I don't want to have to put it off till Saturday. I feel selfish but pfft, fuck it. If I want to go see it, I'll book a ticket and go and see it alone.

I don't know why I'm so emotional. Maybe it's the pain I've been in the last couple of days and the frustration of not being able to sleep or really do anything productive. Hopefully I'll get a good nights rest tonight now the pain has eased off. I might even have an early night.