I should run away...

I can't believe I let myself land here again. I was ready to drop you. So ready. I thought that all of it; the request, the message, all of that would come to nothing. And twice you have suprised me and at the same time scared me. All I wanted was silence. Why couldn't you have given me silence? I'm not sure where I stand now, I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.
It's half term soon and I've been wondering if you will be coming down to see all the old people. If you are I am alone. I have the house to myself, and I would love to see you. I realise that is just a fantasy, though. I don't have any delusions.
Yes, I'm back at college and I'm enjoying it. I just wish I could see past it all. I wish I could prepare myself for my future, psychologically. I don't know. I guess I'm scared that being without family, and potentially old friends, it will lead back to me just letting it all slip and falling into bad habits. But that is the point of taking a risk, isn't it? Nothing is set in stone, nothing is for sure, just have to see what happens.

On happier notes I am loving Will Young right now. I've just seen that his new album is available on Napster, so I'm just listening to it now. I guess a lot of the stuff he sings about I can relate to. I have like four favourite songs at the moment:

1) Pink - So What?
2) Kings of Leon - Sex on Fire
3) McFly - One for the Radio
4) Will Young - Changes

I hope that means music is getting better because it's just drivel at the moment really, isn't it?

Hohum. So things are okay, I suppose. I'm carrying on with my life. Moving on up as they would say. It's been a difficult couple of weeks. A friend of 3 years has removed herself from my life and I won't lie and say it has been easy. It hasn't. I've missed her. But it's better for the both of us. I think we're much better off without each other. I don't talk about it much, but I suppose it's just good to see that she is happy and getting on with her life, which is always good to see.
I'm quite liking Will Young's album.

I saw Marc today. Of course most of you won't know what I'm talking about but isn't that what blogs are about? I kind of thought that if we were to see each other again one of us would turn to stone, burst into flames or die. Instead we just kind of acknowledged each other with a sidelong glance and walked on by. I think that is for the best!

Anyhow, I have 3 essays to write so I guess I better get down to those.


Au revoir!

I'm so weak

I realise that I blew it. I realise that I was the one who tore us apart and ruined. Maybe you and me would never be what I would've liked but maybe we may have just been friends.

So, I took one last dive in. One last risk. And it didn't pay off and now I have no other choice but to accept that you don't want to be in touch with me anymore. I have to understand that you have a new life. But it's hard when you're keeping in touch with everyone else. She told me you were happy and I'm so glad. If the move has made you a happier person, if you can start to feel better, then I am all for it. I will admit that I was holding on and hoping for something. But maybe this is the last hurdle to giving you up, because you disappointed me again and it's all my fault. I thought you might give me another chance, like I gave you so many when you let me down and left me feeling like a bad person. I guess I was wrong and that's no one's fault but mine.

I only want to start to feel okay again. There was a period where you weren't in my head but then it got closer and closer to my birthday and I couldn't help but think back to what you said that time. The request was a peace offering. Something to wipe all the shit away and just act as if nothing had happened. Maybe I should've put that in a message to you, made it clear that I didn't want us, I just wanted something.

So I suppose that I am going to move on this time and stop entertaining thoughts that you might change your mind and want to talk to me again. It's funny how your silence only makes me feel worse. I'd feel better if you told me to fuck off, at least then I'd know. I still wouldn't understand but at least I would know.

I guess Death Cab will be my band of choice for a few weeks. And that's okay. At least now I can start on the path to getting over you. Not just faking it but actually doing it. I suppose I can thank your silence for that.

He was always distracted by the very mention of an open door.

And so it is,

Over and out, she said.