Love is a doing word

I've considered talking to my friends about this. They are some of the most brilliant people on the planet. But then I think what's the point, because there's nothing they can do. There's nothing anyone can do.

I've tried to divert my attentions to other people than him, because it hurts to think about him. How can it be that the moment you're not lonely anymore, you can feel at your lonliest? I guess I fell for him. I fell for him so quick I didn't realise it until tonight. I sat there and watched him say every single line along with them. He sang every single song. And the anxious look in his eyes all the while just showed how much he cared. I never thought I could be so lucky but so very unlucky at the same time.

When I first met him I didn't know who he was or what he did. It was only until we had talked more did I find out that we'd been living under each others noses for the past year. All I'd needed to do was take an interest in my cousins academic life and he would have been there, then again why would I have bothered to take that particular interest. When my grandad asked me to go to the play tonight, I jumped at the chance. I knew how much work he'd put into it, how hard he had worked, how passionate he was about his job. I wanted to be there to see his face. Of course, to everyone else I was there for my cousin, to cheer him on.

When I saw him running around in his suit and tie, my heart jumped into my throat. I wanted to get up there and then and be near him. But of course I couldn't be. Why is it that I always fall into 'relationships' that are impossible to work? I seem to attract complications. All I wanted tonight was to go home with him, but that would never be acceptable to anyone.

The play started and he was totally absorbed in it. I could see in his eyes and on his face how proud he was of all of them, even if it was just a tiny production with a bunch of kids. I managed to catch his eye about four times, and even that wasn't enough. But I knew just how much he wanted to enjoy his night and I wanted to enjoy it with him.

I feel so lucky to be with someone as passionate as him, as caring. But then I feel so unlucky to be moving away after such a short time. I loved him tonight. I get shivers when I think of him singing, and the look in his eyes.

Urgh, why does everything have to be so complicated? Why can't I just be with him without all the problems, without all the sneaking around? And even now while I feel this I don't regret any of it. I love how he goes red easily, I love his smile, I love the way he sings and I love the look of concentration he has in his eyes when he's focusing on something, I love spending time with him, kissing him, cuddling him, joking around with him. I love every single thing about him, yet I'm going to have to leave him soon, and it's becoming harder and harder to think about as I get more involved.

Jealousy soothes rejection with a kiss

What happens when you want to get away from yourself?

I’m feeling this right now. I wish I could just float up out of my body and feel peaceful for a while, without feeling at war with myself. The only problem is that the only solution to this particular problem is death. I don’t want to die. I just want to rest, just for a little while.

I feel like all the hope has been sucked out of the world. I feel like I’m suspended in this vacuum and there will be no happy ending, not for me anyway. Yeah, you can spend your time reading and watching the happy endings. Escapism, is what’s is called. But at the end of the day it’s all just an illusion – a cruel one at that. I’m starting to feel like true love doesn’t exist in this world, that we’re only driven by our hopes and ambitions.

Do you think that things will ever change? Do you think that the world will change? I don’t think so. There will always be war and hunger and chaos. Nothing is ever peaceful – only death. What is the point? Why are we here? I guess that’s a question a lot of people have asked and never found an answer to. I’ve considered all the possibilities. God is one of them. That’s whom everyone turns to. God. When something good happens it was down to God. When something bad happens it was down to God, too. I think we’re just trying to pass the buck to disguise just how animalistic we are. People kill other people, people deceive and hurt people to achieve their own means. I’m not pure, or clean. I don’t claim that for a second. No one is. Everyone has their dirty little secrets, even the people up there on the movie screens or on the television. They all know they’ve done something terrible, unforgivable.

Maybe that’s the way forward. Forgiveness. Maybe we should all turn to each other and let each other know that it’s okay. Whatever you have done, or thought, or planned, it’s okay because we’re all filthy at the end of the day. We’re all unclean. I wish someone would forgive me.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. I think I’m trying to purge these ugly thoughts from my mind. I think I’m trying to get some hope to shine through. Tomorrow will be another day yet it’s just as repetitive. Still my heart will beat and my lungs drag air through me. Still will cells pick up oxygen and deposit carbon dioxide. Still will I move and breathe and worst of all think. Something I do too much of. Thinking. It’s an overrated concept. What’s the point in thinking, anyway? Einstein is still dead. Stephen Hawking is still paralysed, unable to speak by himself. What does that say? There is no mercy, none at all. No one is spared from hurt and pain. No one. No wonder we turn to drugs, or a poison of our choice. No wonder people write novels and make films and television shows that are out of this world. I think even they, sometimes, try to spread some hope. But the one thing we cannot escape is real life. I’m sick of being hurt. But I don’t want this to be about me. It’s about us all. It’s about pain, something we all have in common.

I'm starting to feel we stayed together out of fear of dying alone

Have you ever read the original Little Mermaid story? In fact, have you ever read any of the real fairytales? The ones before Disney morphed them and gave them happy endings.

Today, I feel like a realised something terrible about the world. I realised that no one ever gets there happy ending. Take Torchwood, for example, because that is the first thing that comes to mind. Things can never be left happy. People die, or do terrible things, or leave other people behind. Now isn't that just a wonderful reflection on life? Never has the door closed and the phrase '...and they lived happily ever after' rang true. I look at my parents, at my mother and her alcoholism and bitterness towards my father, and I know then that no one can ever be truly happy.

Things fuck up, things get ruined. Like a lot of girls I grew up on Disney, but they miss out the worst parts. In the original Little Mermaid, she not only loses her voice but every step she takes is pure agony, and she doesn't even get the guy! He's in love with someone else. The only good and decent thing about it is she does not take the opportunity to kill him to become a mermaid again. She'd rather end her own life. It still sucks for her though, she's still hurt.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this. Mostly because I am angry. Angry at myself for ever believing in happy endings. Angry at the world for not providing them. I feel like it is hopeless. Totally hopeless. And I may sound cynical and morbid, but at this point in time, it's the truth.

Sitting here I can feel all my muscles seizing up, I suppose this is what exercise does to you. If I stretch out my bones crack, shift back into place. I'm trying not to be annoyed or frustrated. I know it's unfair to be angry with you when you do these things and aren't really aware of them. I just wish sometimes you would realise it's not all about you. Sometimes I just want to be the only one who is angry or happy, or whatever. We don't need to compare.

It's an odd feeling not having to think about exams or whatever. It's like being suspended. It's like time has stopped and any minute now it will snap back on to full speed again and I won't be able to keep up again. Maybe that will be when I start university. Maybe I'll be hurled into something headfirst and things will all happen so fast. That's not always a bad thing. It's rather exciting, actually. It's the monotony I can't stand.

When I'm at home I'll change the ring tone on the house phone or the screen. I have to change something to break up the repetitiveness of it all. I like shaking things up a bit.

I'm not overly sure why I wrote this. I suppose I felt like I needed to write something to justify myself. I can't help how I feel, can I?

The end is nigh...

So, I have my last exam today! I guess that means as of 4:00pm I will be free. Free as a bird! It's sad but exciting at the same time. I really cannot wait to go to university, be it Hull or Plymouth. I just want to get away. I will miss my parents, as much as I moan about them, but it will be good to be away from the arguing and the drinking.

Anyhow, the real reason for this post was to share some writing. I've been clearing out my folders on the college network and I found my creative writing folder.

So here goes:

I crave silence.
A sort of clean and weightless silence, like water.
The noise seems heavy. Oppressive. Daunting.
It drags at my fingertips and sleeps in my eyelashes.
The silence between you and me
A wool blanket of fear and discomfort.
Like wading through custard at your daughter’s birthday party.
Laughing.

A kiss
Like something that was lost, found.
I would like to hold it between my hands and
Never let it go. But like smoke it curls up through my fingers, breathing in, nestles in my lungs. A cat in a cage.

xxxxxxxx

Dripping away, sludge-like,
Murderous. A mistake?
Or something more profound.
A circle loaded with promises,
A decision ripped out of my hands.
My body softens, contracts, expels,
Painful only for a day (or two, or three)
Or a lifetime.
Crying. Crying like a –
Baby?
Oh God. Oh God.
The only word I utter is stillborn, a passing,
An exit. My way out.

Sorry.

xxxxx

A tentative touch of your hand brings burning flames
To my cheeks but douses the one in my heart. Ice
in the smoky recesses curls around my trachea.
Choking me. I’m trying to picture you stealing what’s mine
with one ragged intake of breath. It whistles through your teeth
And paints a picture far more apt than the illusion.
Animalistic. Masochistic. Bliss.

Epileptic shivering haunts my hands, reaching for you was never
Easy. Drives me insane to know that she was never in your heart, hung
brutally on your bedpost with a daisy chain of words. Me too.
I never did enjoy the novel you seared into my skin. The ending –
Too tragic and unlucky for liquorice love.

The breath from your lips and the promise from your fingertips
waits for no man.
Unsteady on my wooden feet, submerged in time.
Wade through the salt water that pours from your drowned lungs.
It’s just me and you now, babe. In a dance that doesn’t make much sense
but drives me to this whirlwind finish clutching a thread on your unravelling heart.

I understand that you're my crutch when I'm stressed. When the going gets tough I turn to you, but you're not there anymore. I know this is a little self-pitying but I'm running on four hours of sleep and my hormones are doing a funny little scotch jig.

In the words of Stonesour:

You throw me a bone just to pick me dry.

I can't go on waiting for you to come and sweep me off my feet, it's just not realistic anymore. But I just can't seem to let you go. You gave me something so special but I had no choice but to take it away. It's horrible, awful. All because you wouldn't have been there. You just walked away.

I get scared that when I go to uni you will change your mind. Is scared the right word? Or is it hopeful? I can't say I wouldn't take you up on it, I can't say I'd be strong and say no. Because you have got me, well and truly, especially when I'm vulnerable. I want to be able to say that I could turn around to you and say 'I don't need you.' but I don't think I ever could because you've got me.

The worst thing? You probably won't do that at all and I'll probably be so naive as to wait for you. It's like waiting for Godot with you, I never know where I stand.

Crush, crush, crush

I was thinking today about all the crushes I've had over the years and how funny they've been. From year seven to eleven at The Royal there was always someone I fancied, even though there were slim pickings. Ah, the good times. There was Triangle Head. The guy with the biggest ego ever, Triangle Head thought he was a real ladies man although he really wasn't. He wasn't even good looking! Oh, that was an embarrassing crush.

Then there was TTG, Tom the Goth! I was in year eight and he was in year eleven and I thought he was just sooo mysterious. In reality he was just an ordinary bloke who dressed up like a goth! I have to say though, he was my favourite crush because something actually happened between the two of us. I thought I was so hardcore hanging out with a guy who was a few years older than me. I don't think you could call what we had an actual relationship, more like friends with benefits before I ever knew what that was. Basically it was just kissing and stuff, but still first and second base was like woah!

And then came Xavier. He was head boy and he was so very cute. I liked him in a very nerdy kind of way, although I always just admired him from a distance. It was very nice to see him at front of chapel every morning, in the pews with the choir. I even think I sat next to him a couple of times. Impressive!

Oh, and then there was good old Mr.P, the physics teacher. When I say it like that it makes him sound like a stuffy old man, but oh god, he so wasn't. He was an English gentleman. I don't really know how old he was, but he was in his twenties. He had a cool dress sense. He'd wear bow ties that were pink and stuff. The best thing was when he wore his graduation gown to the special occassions. That is one of the sexiest gowns, ever. I sound a bit like a stalker, and I guess I was a little bit. I was so chuffed when he started taking us for physics. It was like I'd struck gold! I remember me and my friend 'accidentally' dropped a pen off the table so he would bend over and pick it up! Cringe!

There was J, but he was very brief. He was very cute and we used to chat on MSN, but never at school. We danced together at the disco to 'Hey Ya!' by Outkast and when 'Push it' came on we just looked uncomfortable and walked off.

And then there was Study Buddy. Oh dear. No one really knew about him, other than close friends. He was the one I really thought I'd struck gold with. I don't really want to go into him. :/

At college I haven't really had any crushes like that. Maybe it was the close environment which just kind of thrust everyone upon you. You could see someone you liked almost every day whereas at college you probably would only see them a couple times a week, if that. I did have one crush, he didn't really have a nickname. I'll call him D here. He was very cute. I remember first seeing him at the bus stop (he took the same bus as me) and instantly taking a like to him. And then I got to hang out with him a bit, in a very loose sense, in a certain subject and that was cool. He was just a nice guy all round, I guess.

There was another guy. We did Drama together in the first year. I don't want to say too much in case too many people catch on. Let's just say I longed to play Blanche! Haha! I still think he is attractive but there is not much point in even pushing it because we are all going our separate ways soon.

And then we come to R. Oh, R! There was year 8 or 9 when we went out for about two days. I remember how that came about. We were sitting in the canteen at lunch and we dared one of our friends, I think it was Kat, to eat a piece of fruit with spaghetti bolognaise on. She said she would only do it if I asked R out in front of all the guys he was sitting with. So I agreed and she ate the damn fruity bolognaise, so I had to keep up my end of the bargain! I waddled up to the table and asked them. Of course, being boys they all sniggered. I can't remember what he said, but he didn't say yes or no. Later on in IT he kicked me and typed 'yes' into his computer. Turns out we were both doing what we were doing for a dare. This is only why we lasted a couple of days.

Then I remember texting him that time and he asked me to go to the cinema. I asked him what he wanted to see and he said the cheesiest thing - 'Your face.' Ahh! So we went and saw War of the Worlds (such a romantic film!) and he put his arm around me. My heart was pounding so much. So I guess from then on we kind of fell into a relationship although for the whole duration we never kissed! He came to my birthday party (which was in August, before my actual birthday) and we were supposed to be sleeping in the same tent. I remember he fell asleep with his arm around me and it was so heavy! It's like he became a dead weight! I lay there and tried to push his arm off only to have it slide dangerously close to my neck. That is when I thought it was time for me to leave. Our awkwardness and childishness was what broke us up in the end. We were only young and we both weren't very confident, so I figured there probably wouldn't be much difference if we just broke up. My timing wasn't so good. I broke up with him on my birthday, not knowing that he had arranged to come for a meal with me and my sister in the evening! I remember Katie saying 'Seriously, don't break up with him today. Leave it for some other time.' and I just didn't listen.

Who knew that he would end up coming to Kind Ed's with me and we would be best friends? And although he's off to Cambridge and I'm off to Hull, I still hope in the future we will meet up and realise we were meant to be together.

And before that there was Marc. Oh, how I loved Marc. Now that is a bit complicated. Me and my sister live in a place where, when we were growing up, the majority of kids were boys. This meant that we were always hanging out with guys. We befriended this trio, which Marc was a part of. They were a little older than us. I think Marc is in his twenties now. But it was fun to hang out with them all the same. I'd always liked Marc. He was cute, tall, dark, etc. He was a very good looking guy. I was heart broken when him and my sister got together. And that's where I'll leave that, eh?

Oh, at that ends the chronicling of my crushes. I find it fun to think back on those times, where those microcosms seemed like our worlds.