Love is a doing word

I've considered talking to my friends about this. They are some of the most brilliant people on the planet. But then I think what's the point, because there's nothing they can do. There's nothing anyone can do.

I've tried to divert my attentions to other people than him, because it hurts to think about him. How can it be that the moment you're not lonely anymore, you can feel at your lonliest? I guess I fell for him. I fell for him so quick I didn't realise it until tonight. I sat there and watched him say every single line along with them. He sang every single song. And the anxious look in his eyes all the while just showed how much he cared. I never thought I could be so lucky but so very unlucky at the same time.

When I first met him I didn't know who he was or what he did. It was only until we had talked more did I find out that we'd been living under each others noses for the past year. All I'd needed to do was take an interest in my cousins academic life and he would have been there, then again why would I have bothered to take that particular interest. When my grandad asked me to go to the play tonight, I jumped at the chance. I knew how much work he'd put into it, how hard he had worked, how passionate he was about his job. I wanted to be there to see his face. Of course, to everyone else I was there for my cousin, to cheer him on.

When I saw him running around in his suit and tie, my heart jumped into my throat. I wanted to get up there and then and be near him. But of course I couldn't be. Why is it that I always fall into 'relationships' that are impossible to work? I seem to attract complications. All I wanted tonight was to go home with him, but that would never be acceptable to anyone.

The play started and he was totally absorbed in it. I could see in his eyes and on his face how proud he was of all of them, even if it was just a tiny production with a bunch of kids. I managed to catch his eye about four times, and even that wasn't enough. But I knew just how much he wanted to enjoy his night and I wanted to enjoy it with him.

I feel so lucky to be with someone as passionate as him, as caring. But then I feel so unlucky to be moving away after such a short time. I loved him tonight. I get shivers when I think of him singing, and the look in his eyes.

Urgh, why does everything have to be so complicated? Why can't I just be with him without all the problems, without all the sneaking around? And even now while I feel this I don't regret any of it. I love how he goes red easily, I love his smile, I love the way he sings and I love the look of concentration he has in his eyes when he's focusing on something, I love spending time with him, kissing him, cuddling him, joking around with him. I love every single thing about him, yet I'm going to have to leave him soon, and it's becoming harder and harder to think about as I get more involved.