I met God and he had nothing to say to me

Sometimes, I am afraid of death. It's not a fear of dying in a painful way but a fear of what happens afterwards. Instinctively I feel that although the body is dead, somehow you can still think. I'm terrified of being unable to move or articulate but being acutely aware of the darkness and the loneliness. I think it's because, being alive, you can only comprehend being alive. Even when you're asleep you're brain is still ticking and aware, in the form of dreams. So to think about complete nothingness is like thinking of closing your eyes and never being able to open them ever again, but being totally alone with your own thoughts. Personally, I can literally think of nothing worse than that.

Sometimes, like now, I can look on death as some kind of mythical being. Kind of like when you talk about a TV show and you know it's not real. I can talk about it and think about it but somehow I feel as though I am immune from it. Like death cannot touch me. Maybe that's the residue of childhood egocentricity. The world revolves around me, therefore I can't die or else there would be no world. And in a way, symbiotically, that is true. Without me there is no world for me. And without the world there is no me. It would be quite nice to have a God complex. To live in the knowledge that you were the creator of the universe and so have total control of what happens.

Sadly, it's probably not the case.

Everyone questions heaven and hell. The existence of these two things. I don't know. Maybe everyone will experience both their heaven and hell in the last few electro-impulses through the brain as they die. The brain kind of flicks through the pleasurable things in life (heaven) and then through the unpleasurable things in life (hell), in a split second you experience all the good times and all the crap times. Kind of like the last battle between the id and the superego. The id trying to console itself in death of the pleasures that life has offered, the superego desperately kicking back at the id, trying to keep the balance, showing the unpleasant things, repenting sins. That's the way life progresses, isn't it? Even if you don't want to take a Freudian view it's impossible to deny the roller coaster of life. Sometimes we let ourselves eat the whole tub of ice cream and sometimes we force ourselves to do things that we don't necessarily want to do. Life is full of pleasure and pain.

I've been close to bringing death on myself a few times. Once upon a time I actually would have welcomed the silence of death and the cleanliness of death. I suppose I hated myself and the world I had created for myself. I hated waking up in the morning and being stuck in the same life. But once I'd passed all that angst (for the most part) I began to see the pleasures of life. It was almost like before I'd kept myself so strictly in check, not allowed myself to be happy. But once you cross some imaginary line it's like the floodgates crash open and the thought of death doesn't seem so appealing anymore. Everybody gets lonely and everyone hurts once in a while, it's natural, but if we look ahead at the road of life left, we should embrace every opportunity to turn our fortunes around. Sure, you can't be happy all the time. Life has its ups and downs, but the point is that we shouldn't turn away from the good things in an attempt to punish ourselves because sooner or later death will come for us. And no matter what lies ahead I don't want to look back on my life in that split second and feel more hell than heaven.