This is really the only 'safe' place I have to rant and vent. I feel like a huge bag of shit lately, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. Whilst everything is placid at home (for once!), I seem to be losing my grip on myself. I feel like I am just falling and falling and I don't know where I'll land, or how I will find my way out.
For the last couple of days my buzzword seems to be sorry. I seem to be the living embodiment of sorry. I am sorry that I do not reach the standards morally that are set in certain companies. I am sorry that I drink. I am sorry that I smoke. I am sorry that I didn't wear a chastity belt until I was in a loving relationship. I am sorry that I am me.
But it's all I am and all I can be.
Right now my hand is on self destruct. I don't want to sit and ponder the world. Really, I don't. I want to go out and party and have a bunch of fun and drink loads. This is all I want to do. I am sick, fucking sick, of being told 'don't' when I make a decision that I want to make. If I want to buy a bottle of vodka, I will buy it. If I want to smoke a pack of cigarettes in a day, I will fucking smoke them. I can't be fucked to listen to petty criticism that I, quite frankly, do not care about. I don't need to be made to feel guilty, I carry enough around with me.
I just wish, for once, people would get off my back. Because I am fucking breaking and I'm not entirely sure if anyone can see that.
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*big big enormous hug* I figured you weren't your usual self when I saw the lighter in your bag. Because you're not a heavy smoker; the last time I think I've seen you properly smoke over several days was in Poland. Although there may have been other times since, I don't know. But I do know what it's like to feel bad over nearly every decision you've ever made. It does feel like shit. You just feel like you can't do anything right. But you should do what you want, b/c, to quote Late of the Pier, "you only get one chance to live." So, yeah. Do what you want and if people don't like it, then screw them. They don't have to join in with it.
Don't really know what else I can say without repeating myself, so I'll just end it there. :) x x x
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