Maybe I was stupid to e-mail you. Both times. In fact, I was stupid to e-mail you, and I was stupid enough to think that you would bother e-mailing me back. You've changed and I don't know what changed you. I thought you would always be there to lend an ear but this weekend you were just making excuses for yourself. I don't want messages from other people telling me this and letting me know that. I don't want your reasons or your logic. All I wanted was someone to talk to and you couldn't provide that. And I can't help thinking I was just a job to you - and if I was fine, but don't go pretending that you're willing to go beyond the call of duty to help someone when you're just not. Do not patronise me.
As for the holiday, you're not being fair. On them or on me. We don't deserve it. We just want you to make up your mind and stick to it. You want me to be honest? Fine. Stupidly, I want you there. Probably because I am a huge fool and masochistic to boot, but I do want you there. Even though you're not yourself, even though time after time things have happened to change stuff, I still want to see you.
What changed? Why did you change? Or where you like this all along and I didn't realise? I don't know but there's the man I know and I can't find him in you anywhere. I was a bitch this weekend. I admit that. I was hurting, fuck I was hurting so much. I felt like I meant nothing. As soon as my name was off the record it was out of your mind too - and maybe that is how it is for you. I don't know, but after everything, can it be? I don't want to lose touch. It's not like I want to talk to you all the damn time, or anything like that. It's just - I would like you to drop me a line every now and again. Can't you understand? You know some of the most personal stuff about me and it's a big part of me and you're the only person who can help sometimes, who can keep me from going off the rails, and make me smile. That's selfish, I know. That sounds like I want to just use when I want and then drop you when I don't. It's not like that.
I know I'm young, and really stupid sometimes. Just know that I want you in my life. Maybe you don't want me in yours and if you just tell me I can take it. I'll leave you be.
Don't hurt them because of me though - if that's what it's about. If anyone shouldn't be going on holiday it's me. Not you. So don't not come on my account. I'll stay away from you, keep myself to myself. I feel extremely guilty that you're more willing to lose money than come. It's just not right.
We can work something out. I'm so fucking sorry for being stupid.
Hex.
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Hello!
I am contacting you because I am working with the authors of a book about blogs, and I'd like to request permission to use the photograph you have posted in this book. Please contact me at matt@wefeelfine.org, and I'd be happy to give you more information about the project. Please paste a link to your blog in the subject field. Your assistance is greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Matt
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