I felt like writing, but didn't know what to write so I looked over some of my old poetry for inspiration. It was strange.
I read a poem. A silly little poem I wrote during an English lesson and I literally felt my heart swell up with love for it. I'm not saying it was the best poem ever written, because that would be a huge lie. I got so passionate about it because I love writing things like that. When I look at my poetry of 3/4 years ago and then look to now I see such a difference. I can see just how much I've progressed as a writer without any real educational guidance, just through sitting and reading poetry written by other people. I feel proud of myself for doing that, for perservering and carrying on. I feel like I am a writer now. I feel like I can call myself a poet.
I won't carry on being all saft - it's not really like me. I'll just leave you with the poem.
The man from next door
has a wooden leg and a parrot.
Everyday he sits on his doorstep
tapping wood against stone; foreboding.
The rhythm; a mismatched waltz mimicks
my heart, sets it on fire, makes me want
to run,
run so very far away.
Sunday, 7 December 2008
Wednesday, 12 November 2008
The Skeptic
My eyes were open, a circuit board of fuses
With a hot-wired heart.
You –
An uncontrollable jerk through every frayed nerve ending
split by the appetites of hungry hamsters.
A computer whirs in the back of my head,
It pulsates with nervous tension and denies a password
I thought I knew.
Mechanical animals leap towards the kill;
a stuttering foot smokes at the toe.
Images; red, green, blue flash along an army of retinas.
They rest upon a twisted version of you.
With a hot-wired heart.
You –
An uncontrollable jerk through every frayed nerve ending
split by the appetites of hungry hamsters.
A computer whirs in the back of my head,
It pulsates with nervous tension and denies a password
I thought I knew.
Mechanical animals leap towards the kill;
a stuttering foot smokes at the toe.
Images; red, green, blue flash along an army of retinas.
They rest upon a twisted version of you.
I’m paralysed – soldered to a seat of pink plastic.
My iron lung spasms; then collapses under the pressure.
An unknown command, the question mark is thrusting;
up and down, up and down.
A finger – so unlike the rest – traces the keys
looking for the right words to feel.
Stare long enough and it may fold like poker players
during nuclear war.
Comments welcome!
Sunday, 9 November 2008
I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy...
The Strand
Breath grazes the edge of her skin
and pulls so gently inwards.
Prays,
no,no,no.
Last forever.
A clock ticks towards the end,
unforgiving to the lost minutes.
Prays,
no,no,no.
Last forever.
I went crazy searching between faces
and hands.
Numbers don't tell the story
half as well as pain.
Still I pray,
no,no,no.
Last forever.
Not sure about this. Feedback, anyone?
Sorrow and fear is the same thing in a shot glass.
All I ever asked was for the bile to be withdrawn,
the wind to change and throw it back into your mottled face.
All I ever wished for was the door to close,
So you could laugh upon your empire of bottles.
Empty.
Brain dead from the lie my eyelids are full of ash
that blows from every cigarette tale and lunatic word.
I tell you to “hush” as gentle as the rain before a hurricane,
but all you do is laugh, throw your head back
And drown.
She can’t bring herself to glimpse at her reflection, in fear of
(Hating?)
loathing what she sees.
It’s all a matter of waiting,
waiting for themto rip out a yellowed liver and say,
"This one was destined to be trapped,
trapped in the empty recesses of a broken shot glass.”
Tuesday, 14 October 2008
It was just something I wrote today in the JCR. Nothing really related to anything.
I knew it wasn't you and I knew I couldn't make it you, but still there was this line. Maybe it was crossing over into the murky depths of madness for a few seconds. Sort of like the feeling you get when you look out of a window for too long and the pane of glass seems to disappear. I started and stared at the back of this man's head, and I saw you. His mannerisms were yours, the way he moved was the way you moved. Not that I would know given that I can't see you anymore but I have to hold on to those shreds of memory. Those shreds of hope.
I sat down and very firmly noted that it wasn't you. I rationalised every factor of the situation. Why on earth would you be on a bus when you have a working car? Why would you be here, on this bus, when you live miles away from here?
All of this I knew in my head and, I stress this, I knew it wasn't you. Yet I stared and stared and still saw you.
I suppose it means I still miss you. I suppose that it means I still love you. That's the most frustrating part. It's not that you left, I can deal with that. It's missing you and loving you and wanting you so much that the past and the present intermingle and there you are, sitting in front of me on the bus.
I knew it wasn't you and I knew I couldn't make it you, but still there was this line. Maybe it was crossing over into the murky depths of madness for a few seconds. Sort of like the feeling you get when you look out of a window for too long and the pane of glass seems to disappear. I started and stared at the back of this man's head, and I saw you. His mannerisms were yours, the way he moved was the way you moved. Not that I would know given that I can't see you anymore but I have to hold on to those shreds of memory. Those shreds of hope.
I sat down and very firmly noted that it wasn't you. I rationalised every factor of the situation. Why on earth would you be on a bus when you have a working car? Why would you be here, on this bus, when you live miles away from here?
All of this I knew in my head and, I stress this, I knew it wasn't you. Yet I stared and stared and still saw you.
I suppose it means I still miss you. I suppose that it means I still love you. That's the most frustrating part. It's not that you left, I can deal with that. It's missing you and loving you and wanting you so much that the past and the present intermingle and there you are, sitting in front of me on the bus.
Monday, 29 September 2008
I should run away...
I can't believe I let myself land here again. I was ready to drop you. So ready. I thought that all of it; the request, the message, all of that would come to nothing. And twice you have suprised me and at the same time scared me. All I wanted was silence. Why couldn't you have given me silence? I'm not sure where I stand now, I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.
It's half term soon and I've been wondering if you will be coming down to see all the old people. If you are I am alone. I have the house to myself, and I would love to see you. I realise that is just a fantasy, though. I don't have any delusions.
Yes, I'm back at college and I'm enjoying it. I just wish I could see past it all. I wish I could prepare myself for my future, psychologically. I don't know. I guess I'm scared that being without family, and potentially old friends, it will lead back to me just letting it all slip and falling into bad habits. But that is the point of taking a risk, isn't it? Nothing is set in stone, nothing is for sure, just have to see what happens.
On happier notes I am loving Will Young right now. I've just seen that his new album is available on Napster, so I'm just listening to it now. I guess a lot of the stuff he sings about I can relate to. I have like four favourite songs at the moment:
1) Pink - So What?
2) Kings of Leon - Sex on Fire
3) McFly - One for the Radio
4) Will Young - Changes
I hope that means music is getting better because it's just drivel at the moment really, isn't it?
Hohum. So things are okay, I suppose. I'm carrying on with my life. Moving on up as they would say. It's been a difficult couple of weeks. A friend of 3 years has removed herself from my life and I won't lie and say it has been easy. It hasn't. I've missed her. But it's better for the both of us. I think we're much better off without each other. I don't talk about it much, but I suppose it's just good to see that she is happy and getting on with her life, which is always good to see.
I'm quite liking Will Young's album.
I saw Marc today. Of course most of you won't know what I'm talking about but isn't that what blogs are about? I kind of thought that if we were to see each other again one of us would turn to stone, burst into flames or die. Instead we just kind of acknowledged each other with a sidelong glance and walked on by. I think that is for the best!
Anyhow, I have 3 essays to write so I guess I better get down to those.
Au revoir!
It's half term soon and I've been wondering if you will be coming down to see all the old people. If you are I am alone. I have the house to myself, and I would love to see you. I realise that is just a fantasy, though. I don't have any delusions.
Yes, I'm back at college and I'm enjoying it. I just wish I could see past it all. I wish I could prepare myself for my future, psychologically. I don't know. I guess I'm scared that being without family, and potentially old friends, it will lead back to me just letting it all slip and falling into bad habits. But that is the point of taking a risk, isn't it? Nothing is set in stone, nothing is for sure, just have to see what happens.
On happier notes I am loving Will Young right now. I've just seen that his new album is available on Napster, so I'm just listening to it now. I guess a lot of the stuff he sings about I can relate to. I have like four favourite songs at the moment:
1) Pink - So What?
2) Kings of Leon - Sex on Fire
3) McFly - One for the Radio
4) Will Young - Changes
I hope that means music is getting better because it's just drivel at the moment really, isn't it?
Hohum. So things are okay, I suppose. I'm carrying on with my life. Moving on up as they would say. It's been a difficult couple of weeks. A friend of 3 years has removed herself from my life and I won't lie and say it has been easy. It hasn't. I've missed her. But it's better for the both of us. I think we're much better off without each other. I don't talk about it much, but I suppose it's just good to see that she is happy and getting on with her life, which is always good to see.
I'm quite liking Will Young's album.
I saw Marc today. Of course most of you won't know what I'm talking about but isn't that what blogs are about? I kind of thought that if we were to see each other again one of us would turn to stone, burst into flames or die. Instead we just kind of acknowledged each other with a sidelong glance and walked on by. I think that is for the best!
Anyhow, I have 3 essays to write so I guess I better get down to those.
Au revoir!
Wednesday, 10 September 2008
I'm so weak
I realise that I blew it. I realise that I was the one who tore us apart and ruined. Maybe you and me would never be what I would've liked but maybe we may have just been friends.
So, I took one last dive in. One last risk. And it didn't pay off and now I have no other choice but to accept that you don't want to be in touch with me anymore. I have to understand that you have a new life. But it's hard when you're keeping in touch with everyone else. She told me you were happy and I'm so glad. If the move has made you a happier person, if you can start to feel better, then I am all for it. I will admit that I was holding on and hoping for something. But maybe this is the last hurdle to giving you up, because you disappointed me again and it's all my fault. I thought you might give me another chance, like I gave you so many when you let me down and left me feeling like a bad person. I guess I was wrong and that's no one's fault but mine.
I only want to start to feel okay again. There was a period where you weren't in my head but then it got closer and closer to my birthday and I couldn't help but think back to what you said that time. The request was a peace offering. Something to wipe all the shit away and just act as if nothing had happened. Maybe I should've put that in a message to you, made it clear that I didn't want us, I just wanted something.
So I suppose that I am going to move on this time and stop entertaining thoughts that you might change your mind and want to talk to me again. It's funny how your silence only makes me feel worse. I'd feel better if you told me to fuck off, at least then I'd know. I still wouldn't understand but at least I would know.
I guess Death Cab will be my band of choice for a few weeks. And that's okay. At least now I can start on the path to getting over you. Not just faking it but actually doing it. I suppose I can thank your silence for that.
He was always distracted by the very mention of an open door.
And so it is,
Over and out, she said.
So, I took one last dive in. One last risk. And it didn't pay off and now I have no other choice but to accept that you don't want to be in touch with me anymore. I have to understand that you have a new life. But it's hard when you're keeping in touch with everyone else. She told me you were happy and I'm so glad. If the move has made you a happier person, if you can start to feel better, then I am all for it. I will admit that I was holding on and hoping for something. But maybe this is the last hurdle to giving you up, because you disappointed me again and it's all my fault. I thought you might give me another chance, like I gave you so many when you let me down and left me feeling like a bad person. I guess I was wrong and that's no one's fault but mine.
I only want to start to feel okay again. There was a period where you weren't in my head but then it got closer and closer to my birthday and I couldn't help but think back to what you said that time. The request was a peace offering. Something to wipe all the shit away and just act as if nothing had happened. Maybe I should've put that in a message to you, made it clear that I didn't want us, I just wanted something.
So I suppose that I am going to move on this time and stop entertaining thoughts that you might change your mind and want to talk to me again. It's funny how your silence only makes me feel worse. I'd feel better if you told me to fuck off, at least then I'd know. I still wouldn't understand but at least I would know.
I guess Death Cab will be my band of choice for a few weeks. And that's okay. At least now I can start on the path to getting over you. Not just faking it but actually doing it. I suppose I can thank your silence for that.
He was always distracted by the very mention of an open door.
And so it is,
Over and out, she said.
Monday, 18 August 2008
You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed...
I suppose that holding on is the only thing I have left. I have this totally irrational feeling that you will get in touch with me. That suddenly things will change. I'm hoping so because I'll be 18 and maybe you won't be so scared.
Urgh! I'm supposed to hate you, I'm supposed to not want to be around you, at least that's what I've been trying to tell myself and everyone else around me. I'm not supposed to feel this way. And then there are the what ifs. What if that email made it sound like I never wanted you to talk to me again? What if I never do hear from you? It scares me to fucking death.
I always seem to get like this when I have dreams about you. And I always seem to have dreams about you when I'm lonely and nothing else will do. When I feel like I can't stand everyone else around me, you are the one that stands out.
The most surreal thing is that the other day I sat in your chair and had a heart to heart with my best friend. Not you. I couldn't help but thinking that it should have been your conversation. I kept saying that I didn't understand what changed in you and I didn't understand what you saw in the person you are with now. Just because I can't doesn't mean I won't though.
Do you have any idea the amount of times I'd hoped you'd read this? It would be so much easier if you saw that I wanted you in my life so much and the distance you put between us hurts.
I know, I know, I haven't taken to account the fact that you may have not replied because you didn't want to. That you were uncomfortable with the way I felt and all that. I wish so hard it wasn't the case but I am afraid deep down that it's true, that you were scared and repulsed by my feelings and couldn't deal with it anymore. I just don't understand the change as soon as I left. You stopped talking to friends and you stopped the friendship that was there. In a way, and maybe I'm being paranoid, you cut all ties to me. And that's fine because that's your choice and I respect that. I just can't wrap my head around it after everything.
And her. You know who. I can't understand why that came together with her. If you truly and honestly have feelings for her then who am I to argue but I just can't see any love between the two of you over the past three years. It seems like you both slagged each other off and wanted nothing to do with each other. Maybe you insulting her was trying to cover up the way you felt about her, and again I respect that. I can't deal with it though. The way she acted towards me in the last weeks you were around hurt me so much, it made me consider not coming to see my best friend because I couldn't stand it.
Maybe, just maybe, I was being paranoid but I know I wasn't. I don't know how you could stand there while she did what she did to me? How she made me feel like utter crap about myself and about being around Rin. I would never have shown her that she had won, because I'm stronger than that now but they could see how much it hurt me. I don't know why exactly she had a vendetta against me. Maybe she was jealous. Seems plausible to me but then again I don't want to flatter myself. Maybe I was just guilty by association, and I get that too but then again that is grossly unfair. And maybe she just needed someone to moan about because having you wasn't enough.
Fuck, now I sound jealous. But I am, a little bit. I feel like I was everything at the wrong time, everything was too late with me and I never ever came close. I've kinda built this person, a model of you in my head, who was much nicer than you were, I think. I see all the nice things we did and all the good times we had and I wish I could relive everyone of them over and over again. So, yeah. Parts of me are hanging on but I'm pretty sure that shred of hope will disintergrate after my 18th birthday. Because that was the last milestone. Looking back on what you said in Krakow, how when I'm 18 I'm my own person, and things change then. Somehow I hold on to that as a safety net. That's not to say I'm fervently holding on. It's only when I get like this I allow myself that luxury, but around other people I'm composed and even come across as if I don't care anymore. But deep inside I do and I meant everything I said in the letter and the email.
I know a lot of people would think that the email was like a spur of the moment act but it wasn't. I'd thought about sending it for so long. Wrote loads of drafts and redrafts and started over and over again. I didn't want to come across as stupid even though it was stupid to fall for you.
When you sent him an email it ripped me into pieces but then again I suppose his email to you was a little easier to reply to, I get it. I just wish you had left me with something more. So I didn't feel like I'd wasted my time.
Anhow, to everyone else. 22 days til my 18th woop, woop. Passed my exams adequately. Only retaking one History module that I got a U in, eep! But I got an A in the other two so it's fixable. I got a B in drama, which I was suprised and happy about, and a B in Psychology which I was also very pleased with. And an A in English, although I got a C in one of the modules and that made me sad.
I've run out of steam now so I'll leave this here.
Loves
xxx
Urgh! I'm supposed to hate you, I'm supposed to not want to be around you, at least that's what I've been trying to tell myself and everyone else around me. I'm not supposed to feel this way. And then there are the what ifs. What if that email made it sound like I never wanted you to talk to me again? What if I never do hear from you? It scares me to fucking death.
I always seem to get like this when I have dreams about you. And I always seem to have dreams about you when I'm lonely and nothing else will do. When I feel like I can't stand everyone else around me, you are the one that stands out.
The most surreal thing is that the other day I sat in your chair and had a heart to heart with my best friend. Not you. I couldn't help but thinking that it should have been your conversation. I kept saying that I didn't understand what changed in you and I didn't understand what you saw in the person you are with now. Just because I can't doesn't mean I won't though.
Do you have any idea the amount of times I'd hoped you'd read this? It would be so much easier if you saw that I wanted you in my life so much and the distance you put between us hurts.
I know, I know, I haven't taken to account the fact that you may have not replied because you didn't want to. That you were uncomfortable with the way I felt and all that. I wish so hard it wasn't the case but I am afraid deep down that it's true, that you were scared and repulsed by my feelings and couldn't deal with it anymore. I just don't understand the change as soon as I left. You stopped talking to friends and you stopped the friendship that was there. In a way, and maybe I'm being paranoid, you cut all ties to me. And that's fine because that's your choice and I respect that. I just can't wrap my head around it after everything.
And her. You know who. I can't understand why that came together with her. If you truly and honestly have feelings for her then who am I to argue but I just can't see any love between the two of you over the past three years. It seems like you both slagged each other off and wanted nothing to do with each other. Maybe you insulting her was trying to cover up the way you felt about her, and again I respect that. I can't deal with it though. The way she acted towards me in the last weeks you were around hurt me so much, it made me consider not coming to see my best friend because I couldn't stand it.
Maybe, just maybe, I was being paranoid but I know I wasn't. I don't know how you could stand there while she did what she did to me? How she made me feel like utter crap about myself and about being around Rin. I would never have shown her that she had won, because I'm stronger than that now but they could see how much it hurt me. I don't know why exactly she had a vendetta against me. Maybe she was jealous. Seems plausible to me but then again I don't want to flatter myself. Maybe I was just guilty by association, and I get that too but then again that is grossly unfair. And maybe she just needed someone to moan about because having you wasn't enough.
Fuck, now I sound jealous. But I am, a little bit. I feel like I was everything at the wrong time, everything was too late with me and I never ever came close. I've kinda built this person, a model of you in my head, who was much nicer than you were, I think. I see all the nice things we did and all the good times we had and I wish I could relive everyone of them over and over again. So, yeah. Parts of me are hanging on but I'm pretty sure that shred of hope will disintergrate after my 18th birthday. Because that was the last milestone. Looking back on what you said in Krakow, how when I'm 18 I'm my own person, and things change then. Somehow I hold on to that as a safety net. That's not to say I'm fervently holding on. It's only when I get like this I allow myself that luxury, but around other people I'm composed and even come across as if I don't care anymore. But deep inside I do and I meant everything I said in the letter and the email.
I know a lot of people would think that the email was like a spur of the moment act but it wasn't. I'd thought about sending it for so long. Wrote loads of drafts and redrafts and started over and over again. I didn't want to come across as stupid even though it was stupid to fall for you.
When you sent him an email it ripped me into pieces but then again I suppose his email to you was a little easier to reply to, I get it. I just wish you had left me with something more. So I didn't feel like I'd wasted my time.
Anhow, to everyone else. 22 days til my 18th woop, woop. Passed my exams adequately. Only retaking one History module that I got a U in, eep! But I got an A in the other two so it's fixable. I got a B in drama, which I was suprised and happy about, and a B in Psychology which I was also very pleased with. And an A in English, although I got a C in one of the modules and that made me sad.
I've run out of steam now so I'll leave this here.
Loves
xxx
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