Be safe.

I felt like writing something last night. Actually really, truly writing. I got a pencil and a pad and I wrote something. I don't normally do this. I normally type out whatever pops into my head. I hardly ever get the urge to write something.

It felt really good to see the words on the paper, coming from my hands. From my brain. And I've sat and read it back over and over again, and only in little bits does it become stale and over-used. I'm going to type it out for you to read. Not for praise, not for anything. Just for you to read.

I imagine folding in on myself. I lie on the cream leather sofa, limbs sprawled out as if I am sunbathing. I imagine my fingers and toes bending the wrong way, being pressed against my wrists and ankles. I see myself curling into myself. I imagine I am becoming compressed. Depressed.
I lie there and wish I could fold up neatly. Become a pile of clothing, hair and flesh that can be tucked away into a corner and saved until later.
I wish to be inanimate.

I'm lost in my wishing. Different images visit me on my beach of leather and pillows. In one I am a sheet of skin, stretched taught and pale, hanging from a washing line. I see an underground map of veins, arteries, capillaries. The tunnels of me that lead to my heart, exposed and vulnerable. Impossibly the blood is still flowing; I still live as I hang there, crucifed, for no ones cause but my own.
I feel guilty at this. I refocus on the ceiling; whitewashed but punctuated with birthmarks of tea-coloured damp. I try to make shapes. I watch as the stains tremble before my eyes, and as I blink they become clear images, like an optical illusion.
A man in a bowler hat, a flower half open, a knife, a cloud. The exercise is exciting, refreshing in a way. But after a while I keep coming back to the same shapes.

If that isn't a good analogy to real life, I don't know what is.

I know it doesn't make all the sense in the world. Mostly I was just exploring my descriptive side. Trying to become more of an artist in the sense of painting with words. I don't know if I succeeded. I just hope you enjoyed it.

x