Rip off my mask and leave the lies to the liars

Not coping. Not coping. Not coping!

Why was the only time I could see a doctor on Thursday! Thursday!
That means I have to go three days feeling like utter shit, wanting to block out the whole world and dying for help.
Today has been truly, truly awful. I had another horrible dream. I don't think they qualify as nightmares at the moment. They are more bizarre and unsettling. I woke up kicking out at things , which is very unlike me. I don't tend to act out my dreams in reality.

I have a psychology exam on Friday. The college called the house today. I presume it is about my recent absences. I'm praying to god they did not call my father because if they did I am in big trouble. The last couple of hours have crawled by. I've sat here chain smoking and contemplating how many Cuprofen it would take to bump me off. I've saved it for a rainy day, though. Mostly because I'm a coward and a failure and I don't deserve the relief of death.

Am currently working my way through a bowl of spaghetti hoops but feeling slightly sick. I wasn't even hungry I just though 'hey charlotte, you haven't eaten, have something see if that makes you feel better.' It didn't.

Urgh. Not looking forward to my mother coming home. I've got some excuse about feeling ill and that being the reason why. Maybe I should tell her the truth. That I think I am clinically depressed and I'm entertaining suicidal thoughts. She'd probably freak out. Best to see what the doctor says me thinks. Thursday couldn't come quick enough.

I need someone to talk to me, to listen to me. But everyone has their own suggestions and ideas and opinions and feelings on the matter. I want someone objective to just listen to me. Again all routes point to a doctor and some kind of therapy. Doesn't help that I'm shit at telling people how I feel to their faces. I wonder if they have online therapists? Maybe life just doesn't work like that and I should get over it. Maybe.

Urgh. This is the only place I can spill my guts and even then I hold back because I don't want people to ask me about things. I'm a bag of contradictions, always have been and always will and what I really, really want right now is to go to sleep but I know that I won't be able to.

Why am I such a failure?