You know that I could use somebody

someone like you.

God, I feel so depressed today. You can add ugly, unloved, shit and untalented to that list as well if you want. I'm so damn sick of reverting back to what seems to be my default state of mind. I look around me and I see all the people who have felt like I have and had the same aspirations and half of them have killed themselves.

Maybe this is why I'm alone, maybe my state of mind generally just repulses people. I thought that on Friday night, maybe it's my whole unconfidence. Maybe if I believed I was attractive I would be. Pah! It's somewhat a blow to the confidence when the only guy who speaks to you throughout the whole night is a guy who's asking if your sister is single. I may as well just put it out there; I hate myself and I probably always will. Something has got to give though. I can't keep dreaming about being loved and waking up depressed.

Urgh. I hate crying. I hate it so much. I hate anyone knowing how I feel but I can't hold it in anymore not really. The only thing I've been to men in this world is a submissive plaything, yet it's better than nothing. Those scraps are better than loneliness, better than sadness. But like I said before, I run from love. I'm willing to give everything else to someone, but my heart I'll keep to myself. My heart is the one thing I need to give but keep locked away. If someone gets too close to that I turn and walk away. I ruin it.

I'd give anything right now to be held by someone stronger than me because I'm sick of being strong for myself. I'd like to cry on someone and not be questioned. I'd like to feel loved by someone and not feel uncomfortable. I think if someone loved me I might be able to love myself, And now I'm crying. I wish I could put all the walls down for a bit. The humor, the biggest thing. It's tiring to make fun of yourself to deflect everything. It's shit. I wish I could just turn around and be totally exposed, all the weaknesses out there, all the insecurities, all the sadness.

Goodbye, for now.
xxx