Life, The Universe and Everything.

It's strange how I can be sitting here minding my own buisness and then I think of you and POOF! I can barely breathe. It's like all of a sudden the mere thought of you takes up all the space in my brain and stops me from being able to do the simple task of pulling in air and exhaling it. That's just not right. I hate that you have this level of control over me and you don't even know, or care the tiniest bit. How can I go on like this? How can I grow old never knowing if there could be something more than the wishing. Never knowing that if I had just said something to you, three simple words, I could have conjured up a life far better than the one I'm living now. How can I not take that risk? Then again there's the possibility that you might laugh in my face, or never want to speak to me again or feel violated or simply think I'm mentally tapped. There's every possibility that that may happen and that is the scariest part of this whole endeavour.

The night before September 9th 2008, my HTC TyNt will make a faint buzzing sound and on the screen will flash 'Tell Him!' this is the prompt that in around 24 hours I will be confessing my love for you and hope for the best. Whether it be in the pub, or through an email or simply whether I throw rocks at your window and do a revers Romeo and Juliet type thing and ask you to marry me. I don't know. But either way I'll have to utter those three words, or maybe lots of words to the same effect, in your general direction. So here is my prototype.

It's been over a year since I officially left you, and in that year I've missed you so much and so hard it has been mentally and physically draining. I think deep down you already know what I'm going to say, I think deep down you saw it in my eyes and knew. Do you remember you got that rose on one of the Valentine's days. That was me. I felt something for you then because you were kind, gentle, funny and just the perfect man for me. How corny. I just want you to know that I don't expect anything from you. Although I've hoped that this might be reciprocated I know that it is probably not and even if it was there is a considerable taboo about it which would hold us back but I'm not even going to let the possibilty of I feel the same creep into my head. I just want you to know that someone out here in this big wide world loves you and thinks about you everyday of her life. Now, that might sound rather creepy, and probably is to an extent but it's also true so if you just want to walk away from this conversation now you can. If you haven't already interrupted me, that is. There have been so many times when I've felt so close to youm where I've come so close to just telling you like I am now, but I decided to wait until now for both of us. For me because I wanted to be sure, I wanted to make damn sure that this was how I felt and if I was going to take the plunge into certain death I was doing it for a damn good cause. And to make it easier on you, because I know it must be hard. And if I'm severley drunk when I say this and you are too, it will probably make the blow considerably easier.

So basically, what this long winded rant is about is that I love you. With every fibre of my being I love you. I guess that's not healthy. But it's bloody true.

end prototype.

At this point I fully expect you to run screaming from the building in horrified bewilderment. Oh, won't you prove me fucking wrong? Won't you turn around and say, "You know what Hex, I bloody love you too and I've missed you too!" Won't you just say that and let me die a happy woman? In my dreams.

So, this is my invite to you if you ever read this. On 9th September 2008 will you **** **** **** please come to the Giffard Arms in Wolverhampton and hear me out? Would you listen to me for one last time? I'm begging you too and never has there been such an obvious plea on the internet because if you were you and you read it you would know full well it was you. And if you don't and are reading this then it is you and you should come and wish me a happy 18th birthday.

I know this is odd and very fanciful of me. But this is my leap of faith. I can't live my life not knowing if things would have been different and if you actually felt the same. If you don't, fair enough, but even the most improbable is possible.