There's something that I can't quite explain...

I want to kiss you. Is that forward of me? Every time you sit near me, every time you talk to me, every time you look at me, I want to kiss you.

It's not like me to want someone so badly. It's like me to wear my heart on my sleeve, sure, and I'm not opposed to drooling over Toro, but with you it's just something takes a hold of me and I want to be near you. I want to touch you. To kiss you.

Man, this isn't like me at all really, not a bit. Maybe it's the real thing, how the hell would I know? I've never been...there before. Even though every time with him and a few others I've been close. You're different. God aren't you different.

I can't think of anything more to say. Isn't that strange? With all the others I could write reams and reams, about how I miss them, about how they hurt me. But with you, you haven't hurt me. Sure, I miss you, but not in the aching way I missed them because I never had them like I almost have you. I know that come Monday I will see you. More importantly, you will see me. And I don't care if you never get it. I don't care if I'm wrong and I never get to kiss you, as long as you never know, there's no way I can get hurt. You see? Here's the logic. I'd sacrifice us to be around you. If no-one ever tells you how I feel and we can go on like this then where is the problem? For once, I am content.

I don't care what they say...

Maybe I was stupid to e-mail you. Both times. In fact, I was stupid to e-mail you, and I was stupid enough to think that you would bother e-mailing me back. You've changed and I don't know what changed you. I thought you would always be there to lend an ear but this weekend you were just making excuses for yourself. I don't want messages from other people telling me this and letting me know that. I don't want your reasons or your logic. All I wanted was someone to talk to and you couldn't provide that. And I can't help thinking I was just a job to you - and if I was fine, but don't go pretending that you're willing to go beyond the call of duty to help someone when you're just not. Do not patronise me.

As for the holiday, you're not being fair. On them or on me. We don't deserve it. We just want you to make up your mind and stick to it. You want me to be honest? Fine. Stupidly, I want you there. Probably because I am a huge fool and masochistic to boot, but I do want you there. Even though you're not yourself, even though time after time things have happened to change stuff, I still want to see you.

What changed? Why did you change? Or where you like this all along and I didn't realise? I don't know but there's the man I know and I can't find him in you anywhere. I was a bitch this weekend. I admit that. I was hurting, fuck I was hurting so much. I felt like I meant nothing. As soon as my name was off the record it was out of your mind too - and maybe that is how it is for you. I don't know, but after everything, can it be? I don't want to lose touch. It's not like I want to talk to you all the damn time, or anything like that. It's just - I would like you to drop me a line every now and again. Can't you understand? You know some of the most personal stuff about me and it's a big part of me and you're the only person who can help sometimes, who can keep me from going off the rails, and make me smile. That's selfish, I know. That sounds like I want to just use when I want and then drop you when I don't. It's not like that.

I know I'm young, and really stupid sometimes. Just know that I want you in my life. Maybe you don't want me in yours and if you just tell me I can take it. I'll leave you be.

Don't hurt them because of me though - if that's what it's about. If anyone shouldn't be going on holiday it's me. Not you. So don't not come on my account. I'll stay away from you, keep myself to myself. I feel extremely guilty that you're more willing to lose money than come. It's just not right.

We can work something out. I'm so fucking sorry for being stupid.

Hex.

Polo Overdose...

Is it possible to eat too many polo's? Especially when they are 'Extra Strong'? Ah well, they're keeping me awake. I'm so tired, but really it is worth it. Had drama rehearsals alllll this week on top of the very late night after the My Chemical Romance gig. Add homework to the equation and you have a Hex that be dead on her feet.

Thar be the weekend tomorrow folks! RAVE! Well, not really 'Rave' is it? I have a driving lesson at 8am, which means another early morning. *Cue cries of BOOO & Hissss!* And then I have to buy something fancy for speech day and then I have to go to speech day AND THEN I have to do Metamorphosis and Streetcar and on top of all that have a life. Blegh. It's rubbish.

And who, pray tell, invented boys and all their stoopid ways? Whoever it is I wanna shoot them because two certain men are always on my mind and gah! it's so annoying. But apart from that it's all peachy :] <3>

Luuurving college and all it entails. Buuut looking forward to Poland! You know it babay! Me and Rin are gonna rave it up in the snow. I must by a warm jacket or I shall come back as an icicle. Not fun.

Anyhoo, I have an English lesson soon with the Human Sedative. So I shall love you puppies and leave you.

To infinity and beyond!

Last night will go down in history...

As one of the best gigs in the history of the world.

My Chemical Romance. Sheffield Hallam FM Arena. A 2 hour car journey. Right in front of Ray Toro. 3 people away from the barrier.

Can you people say 'Immense'?

Of course, I will always say that they rocked the house down and they kicked ass and that Toro looked mighty fine (which he did) but every word I speak/write about this gig is true.

We got there late. I was stressed, excited, terrified, etc. When we entered into the arena Mindless Self Indulgence were about 3/4's into their set. Honestly, I'm not keen on them, but they put on a bloody good show, so kudos to them for that.

I'll admit, I was stropping. I don't like being at the back, I wanted to be near Toro for my last gig for 2(ish) years, so we pegged it into the crowd and did the whole shuffling into gaps thing. Me and my friend assembled a bulldozer and chugged our way nearer and nearer.

And then it started. They came on.

Toro wearing some weird lookin' mask and other strange props. Gerard in a waistcoat people! Mikey looking as emotionless as ever ( we love him really) and the substitute drummer and rhythm guitarist. I was going insane in that very moment. This wasn't the Black Parade. This was My Chemical fucking Romance. Thus followed the best 1 hour and 10 minutes ever. Period. 2 new, immense songs. A very sexy looking Toro and the best songs ever to grace my ears. Yes, I cried in Cancer, again.

Moving on, I don't wanna talk it out. I'm in a bad mood this morning. I don't wanna moan and whine, but I'm a teenager, it's what I'm good at. It's all boys, boys,boys. One college boy in particular. Hmm. That is all.

I'm tired and just cannae be bothered.

Loves.

Hmm...

When I said get out of my head, I didn't mean get out of my life. Just in case you're reading this. You've got some nerve. I don't know what you're trying to do, but you're being an idiot and you better get your priorities straight, kay?

If you're not going to come to Poland, don't. Just don't go messing everybody around on it and making people feel like shit. Personally, I don't give a crap whether you are there or not. No, I won't be uncomfortable. The only way it would be is if you made it so.

Contrary to popular belief...I don't hate you. Hell, I've tried to hate you but I meant every single thing I wrote in that letter. Do you still have that, or have you chucked it? I guess I'm a walking, talking contradiction. I want to shut you out sometimes but I still want you to be a part of my life. That's not so bad is it? I want to e-mail you, ask you out for a coffee or something. But I wouldn't want you to think it was inappropriate or something.

I guess I shall see you next Saturday, if you're going to be there. If not, see you around.